It's that time of year again. You might be asking yourself, "Where do I find the best Holiday sweater?" Don't waste time asking this useless question, read this informative Sweater Buying Guide we put together below. It isn't as informative as it is more about how to handle your shit over the Holidays.
WALMART - I fucking hate this store! "What the fuck am I doing here?" I have to remind myself I have no other choice in getting the selection of gay and merry, but really mostly gay, holiday sweaters I can find here. The mother load of all sparkly reindeer, xmas tree, sleigh, and other assorted Aunt Ruth style designs. Vests, turtlenecks, vest turtle neck combo, and button up vests, but no matter what you can't go wrong with a sweater vest. The bigger the buttons the better. If they are something that isn't a button but is merely perpetrating like one then you are golden. Something like a bloated Santa head as a button is the Elvis glasses of Xmas sweaters.
Target - They have a minimal selection of sweaters here which sucks. If you have little time then go here but be prepared to have the same sweater as at least half the crew. Just know that you took the easy way out and those that bit there lip and went to WALMART are veterans of XMAS sweater war. They are going to get all the props and you can hang with the rest of the National Guard pussies. You didn't do time, you skipped the Xmas sweater draft. You are better just staying home and baking ginger bread cookie men fucking each other. Yeah, gay ginger bread men spraying icing on each other. You suck.
Things to remember:
This is a XMAS sweater we are talking about here. If you really try to find one that makes you look good you need to get the fuck off this website like now. Seriously, there is nothing cool about this shit, it is gay as fuck. The sooner you are comfortable with how gay you look in this gear the better. I'll admit, times are tight and buying a sweater and other gear for that Holiday Party can get pricy. Make sure that you find as many parties that you can rock your sweet gear off at as possible. Shit, if you really don't care just wear it everyday like you use to wear that favorite t-shirt and jeans you had. People will look at you weird at first but after a day or two they might be showing up rocking some new sweater too. You will smell funky but if you buy some Xmas tree smell aerosol spray you can soak yourself up and people will share their favorite memories of Christmas.
Other Accessories to Add Radness:
White Pants - These are diamonds in the ruff. Try a Salvation Army or second hand store. The women’s section is where I found mine. Yes, I wore and still wear my white female slacks on these special occasions. I am reminded how un-cool it is to be truly awesome.
Mustache - Fake ones are great if you have a left over Magnum PI or Ron Burgundy stache from Halloweeny but a real one really means you care.
Santa Hat - Great to start the night with but we live in San Diego and it is not cold enough to rock this all night. Shows you have some Santa in you and girls love the Claus man. They want what you are giving so make sure you pack in your Yule time log to warm it up later.
Reindeer Hat - Cool and amusing but like the Santa hat you aren't going to last. I'd recommend doing something cool with the hair that you can roll with all night. A nice part or slick back always adds that nice sweater party feeling and makes you feel like it is time for refills at the nog bowl.
Just remember that the Holiday time is about giving and when you get something really lame, to act like you are happy. Happy Holidays!
remember to point in photos. gives you that cool feeling like shit is going down. thumbs up, wave, high fives = good. save the middle finger and horns for non-Holiday events.
Good work on the staches and the movement in the shot.
Somebody love me it's Christmas.
At first I wanted to say that this guy is a classic Target sweater example until I saw her bangs. She really bangs.
